Rockin' Zero
by Irihi B.W
Summary: Zero wants a break, but that's hard to do when Ciel is a weirdo, the Guardians are bigger freaks than he is, Copy X wants in his man-thong, and Omega is a creepy stalker that won't stay dead. And there's a crush on X somewhere in there. Rated M for mature
1. Rockin' Zero

**Author's note**: WARNING. Use of FOUL LANGUAGE, CRACK, DISTURBING THOUGHTS, YAOI and general SCREWED UPNESS beyond this point.

I love coffee.

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><p>Some days Zero wished he didn't get rudely awaken by some snotty little girl and her fairy. Some days started out beautifully, with sunshine and wandering critters (where the hell did these cats come from…?) and the sea brought in a lovely breeze that just ever so slightly ruffled Zero's hair in that soothing way that made him sleepy.<p>

And then someone screams.

And Zero cusses in his mind and storms out of his peaceful room he entered _maybe_ five minutes after harrowingly risking his life, _again_, for some jacked reason he didn't quite remember. He was an amnesiac, after all, he had an excuse.

Those wonderful days were the ones Zero hated the most, because it always meant something bad was gonna happen. More often than not, something bad happened to _him_. Typically Zero was used to not getting a break; more often than not he was the one who forgone breaks. But when he did need or want one? Yeah, right, God forbid Zero gets a goddamn _break_.

"_What_?" Zero asked as he skidded all badass-like into the main room. Because he had a reputation to uphold, after all.

Ciel was practically dancing on top of a box, screeching her head off and pointing randomly at the ground. This could only mean one thing, and Zero had to withhold the urge to facepalm.

Actually, fuck it. Zero facepalmed himself _hard_. So hard, it echoed. Over Ciel's screaming even. Hell, Zero even yelped at himself.

"It's a damn _roach_," Zero tried to say over Ciel's screaming. Said insect was running in circles around her box, a cat chasing it. Why it was running in circles Zero didn't know, maybe it was radiated. It could happen, since roaches were so damn indestructible.

"_Kill it_!" Ciel shrieked, not even opening her eyes as she jumped on her box. How she didn't break her ankle in those heels, Zero didn't get either.

He didn't get the aversion to roaches either, but then again, it carried disease, and Ciel was human. Talk about anti-climactic if she died because a roach decided to fly into her hair or something. But seriously, if this was the reason his rest was disturbed… looking around, Zero saw no other threat lurking about. So, with a sigh, he did what any man would do.

Zero scooped up the cat (Hey, it was the one he named Signas, cause it was all black with big green eyes. Don't ask him who Signas actually was, Zero was starting to master the _I'm stupid_ vapid-eyed look. And such a thought made him randomly think of a blond joke) and handed Ciel his gun.

"Have fun." And he turned away, cat in his arms, listening to Ciel scream and start to obliterate the floor with his buster gun.

If only that were the only problem of the day, but the instant Zero entered his room (Kitty-Signas hopped out of his arms to take his usual place on his desk. The cat liked desks for some reason) and before he could rush back to sleep, the familiar shimmer of a particular friend filled his room.

Now, it wasn't a problem if X dropped by to visit. Typically when X manifested in his room, it was a pleasure visit (head out of the gutter! Zero wasn't _that_ lucky. Unfortunately. Damn it.) and Zero of course loved hanging out with X. X knew when to shut up and pet Zero's head and when he wanted an actual conversation.

Okay, so 'pet Zero's head' came out wrong, but Zero liked his hair petted. Except don't tell Ciel. He didn't want to end up with braids or ribbons.

"_Hello, Zero_," X quipped. "_I hope I'm not disturbing you?_"

"Never a disturbance with you," Zero answered in the usual friendly manner. "How are you holding up?"

"_Quite well, surprisingly,_" X replied, finding his usual spot on the couch. When he smiled at Zero, the blond practically tripped on himself to flop down on it, his head pillowed on X's thighs. They were nice thighs, after all, but Zero wouldn't dare say that out loud.

After harrowing days of missions and looking for the stupid Dark Elf, Zero _needed _relaxation. X practically oozed with peace, and Zero was a greedy ass and wanted to mop it up and _chill_. X always had this effect on him, although Zero couldn't place why.

X chattered about something, but the moment he started petting Zero's hair the blond tuned him out. Not like he meant to be rude, but Zero just relaxed and had nearly immediately fallen asleep. If this was peace, he would die for it. In fact, if dying let X's touch be more than a light breeze, Zero might contemplate suicide, because it was that nice.

Why X, Zero didn't know. As if his life wasn't already complicated (okay, maybe not complicated since all he did was kill shit, but difficult!) then this whole 'crush on dead best friend' added a new spicy layer to this retarded cake of existence. So in a way, Zero was a homosexual necrophiliac.

Wow.

Wait, let's back up and delete that.

Shit, what was seen cannot be unseen.

It wasn't necrophilia if there was no corpse. There, _now_ Zero felt better. If only marginally. Zero decided to prove that what was seen _could_ be unseen… in the form of _delete thought process go go go shit damn that was wrooooooong._

"…_Zero?_"

Zero had fallen asleep (or passed out, either or) after deleting such a vital data stream and his systems needed rebooting, so X took the liberty of carefully phasing himself out so Zero's head slowly lowered to the couch. Once Zero was peacefully sleeping on his couch, X reappeared standing next to it, smiling down at him with that peaceful smile that put everyone at ease. He even bent down a bit to kiss Zero's forehead before disappearing.

Too bad Zero missed all of that. He might have had a better morning if he saw it.

As it was, he woke up a few hours later groggy and slightly confused. Deleting one's thought process tended to do that, and it was like waking up drunk and hung over. Although how Zero could make that allusion he wasn't sure, since he couldn't get drunk or hung over, but it was the only explanation he had, so fuck it, it worked.

The cat had moved to sleep on Zero's back, and when the blond pushed himself up it woke up and bounded off him with a meow. The sound brought a bit more of reality to Zero, who sat up on his knees and yawned, trying to recall why the hell he deleted his thought process temporarily. But like a typical amnesiac, he sucked at getting memories back.

Letting it go, as Zero did not linger on crap, he lifted his hands so he could properly adjust his helmet. Except it wasn't there.

His helmet wasn't on his head.

His _helmet _wasn't on his head.

His helmet wasn't on his _head_.

_The goddamn helmet wasn't on his goddamn head_.

"_Fuck me_!"

Ciel stopped in the act of knocking on Zero's door, her eyes wide at the declaration. Who was in there with Zero, what were they doing, and why wasn't she allowed to see?

* * *

><p>After Ciel's dramatic bursting into the room (with a tape recorder? She hid it too quickly for Zero to be sure) and finding his helmet precariously and curiously in the bathroom (why did he have a bathroom? He was a <em>Reploid<em>… but hey, the helmet was shiny now) Zero decided to leave the Base for a nice walk along the beach.

Since the navigators were still trying to find clues to the Dark Elf, Zero had time to burn, so burn it he did, in the form of randomly setting driftwood on fire as he walked the beach. How the Resistance went from the middle of the desert/abandoned city to the shoreline Zero wasn't sure. And he was fairly sure he was in the desert before waking up here, so how he went from desert to ocean he wasn't sure of either.

The many questions of Life. Fire was a decent enough answer, and Zero gleefully set another piece of random wood on fire. And as he did, he had to wonder what it was like to be driftwood, especially since paper was now outdated. Trees weren't needed for paper or even oxygen, as now various nanites were in the atmosphere preventing the Greenhouse effect while producing oxygen and soaking up carbon dioxide, and Zero had to think for a moment to remember that _right this second_ he produced twice as much carbon as a human while pretending to breathe, which then he had to wonder _why the hell_ did humans add that to Reploid designs if carbon was so damn bad for them? And then Zero's mind went back to the driftwood, because it crackled as it burned and it sort of sounded like it was crying out 'Why, why are you burning me? Aren't I pathetic already that you have to set me on fire for your amusement you sick, sick freak?'

And then Zero set another piece on fire, because _what the hell_ sort of thought process was _that_?

It sucked to be a tree. Zero decided that was the end of that internal debate, and then he had to think, _Good God, I'm so bored and have no idea how to relax without X that I'm thinking stupidity._

Which made him think of a blond joke.

Damn today sucked.


	2. Rockin' Zero Again

Zero was a god, and not just any god, but a god with a capital G and of _destruction_, baby!

Well, according to these weirdo freaks he had to kill, anyway.

It didn't matter that this all seemed sort of out of nowhere and kinda creepy, or the fact it seemed like it was some mystical puzzle he probably should try to solve. All that mattered was for a moment, Zero's ego was stoked, because God of Destruction just sounded so freakin' _cool_. I mean, c'mon, _Zero, the GOD OF DESTRUCTION_. Sure it sounded evil as the devil himself, but Zero liked being badass, and that title was _badass_.

Especially since he was really old.

Great, he had to remember that fact. All badassery went down the drain, and Zero glumly went back to the Resistance Base for some much needed R&R. But, just like this morning, God said _I don't think so, you freak _and lo! The Navigators have found Copy X's base of operations.

Hm. To sleep, or get rid of the threat and have no interruptions afterwards?

Daaaaaaaaamnit. "Trans me." Zero was gonna regret ever saying those words.

And what a stupid phrase to start saying. The entire time Zero hopped across spike pits (what the shit? _Spike pits_? _Really_?) and tried to avoid getting shot by cameras or Pantheons, he had to contemplate such a saying. Because, honestly, he was _Zero _and spike pits and cameras were nothing to the almighty legendary Zero.

And then God said, _Shut up you egotistical idiot_. And Zero lost his footing.

"_Ow, shit, damn, fuuuuu_—!" Zero scrambled out of the pit, thankfully only piercing his leg through his _motherfucking thigh_!

At least it wasn't his core, right? Zero had to be somewhat thankful Ciel had the foresight to make an Elf-induced upgrade to Zero's armor to somewhat deflect spikes. Either he was just that old-fashioned or poorly built, but Zero still could not fathom why the hell metal spikes could kill him so easily. There had been way too many close calls….

A repairing energy capsule was dropped near him, and Zero glared at the giggling Elf he had chosen to help him with this mission. Nonetheless, he snatched the capsule and was as good as decent in a few minutes. Since he was so _freaking old _he could never be as good as 'new' so decent would have to do.

Damn today sucked.

After climbing up a shaft (snicker. Hey, Zero could be a perv, he was _old_, right?) full of ledges with spikes, not to mention the _freaking walls were covered in them_, and dodging yet more bullets, Zero nonetheless made it to the end. He paused at the door, knowing an epic battle waits. Him versus Copy X, a potentially stronger version. An eviler, more vile version. The ultimate show down of good versus evil. Of hot versus not.

Okay, that was a lie. Copy X looked like X, and Zero won't deny he was just so _cute _in his stupid naivety. Cue retarded grin.

Wait, that was so wrong! First, Copy X was built what, maybe two or three years ago? And he was like, X's twin brother. Holy shit, not only was Zero old and a pervert, but he now was a homosexual pedophile whore.

…

Wow, wait.

_DAMN IT. _

Zero was going to hit his head on the door, but it decided to open on him, and he tumbled through with a not-so-manly cry of surprise and landed on his pretty face. Well, maybe not so pretty anymore.

"Well, th-th-that was a-anti-climactic." Copy X stuttered dryly from his position on the other end of the room.

Zero raised one hand in the air to indicate he needed a moment, because he did. Despite the helmet, he still managed to flatten his nose a bit, and it hurt like hell. After Copy X ever so graciously gave him a minute to recover (aw, wasn't Copy X sweet?) Zero finally pushed himself off the floor and got to his feet.

"W-would you l-like to try th-tha-that again?" the copy said, smirking a bit.

X's face sure looked sexy in a smirk, but Zero couldn't get distracted. This was a vile copy of his best friend! This creep killed innocents, human and Reploid, betrayed his programming and most of all, was the whole fucking reason Zero got forced awake _anyway_. He deserved a painful death! He deserved Zero beating the crap out of him!

… but damn he was cute.

"Nah, I'm good," Zero waved his hand nonchalantly. "So anyway… do you have some big bad speech ready for me, or can we get down to it?"

Copy X looked contemplative (squee, how adorable) for a few minutes, then he smiled (aww) which actually was sort of creepy. "I-I-I have a prop-proposition for y-you."

That stutter should be annoying, but Zero just found himself wanting to pinch Copy X's cheeks. Instead he folded his arms. "I refuse," he said. Because face it, it was the same old thing over and over. 'Join me and we'll rule the world bwahahaha' blah.

Copy X sauntered toward him—yes, _sauntered_, and Zero couldn't help glancing a bit to see those hips sway—and when he was near Zero, leaned forward a bit with a cheeky grin and glinting, mischievous eyes. Cuteness was gone, replaced by _what the hell is going on oh please don't do what I think you're gonna do…_

"Th-the fact you w-were able to defeat m-me s-so… thoroughly so lon-long ago was no-nothing short of a-amazing," Copy X probably would have sound more seductive if not for the stutter, but he tried anyway. And Zero figured, heck, it's the thought that counts. "Y-you have my res-respect, despite b-being an extremist Ma-Maverick."

Zero stared at him, and if the helmet let him, he would have raised an eyebrow. "Thanks?"

"S-so I give y-you one ch-ch-ch-chance." Copy X raised an index finger, pressing it to his lips and giving Zero a flirty wink. "B-b-become my se-second lover."

And the world went to hell in a hand basket.

Or at least, Zero's mind did.

"_What_?" Zero asked. Because surely he misheard that. He hadn't cleaned his ear ports in a while, and this would definitely stick with him forever to keep up regular maintenance. Good God, he had to be kidding, right?

And God said _No, son. He wasn't. _

"Become m-my second-ond lover."

Zero first had to grasp the mere idea of what was being presented to him. Because _what the shit_, this was random and totally blindsided him so hard Zero swore his left eye was malfunctioning. After a few seconds of letting it sink in, he then had a miniature panic attack at the fact he was, for these seconds, _considering_ it. Let's face it, Zero was a freak, but was he this big of a freak he'd shag his best friend's _evil copy _because he couldn't get with said best friend, or was at least too scared to tell him he had a crush on him?

This was screwed up.

Whoa, wait.

"_Second lover_?" Zero asked, eyes wide. "Do you mean replace your current one or fill in for one that died…?" For a second, he thought of Phantom.

Phantom, as in, X's sort of son.

Aw, shit _no_. Cannot unsee!

"N-no," Copy X looked a bit pouty. "B-be the one I-I spend time wi-with when the first i-is out on his du-duties."

So the other was a guy. And if Copy X was X's copy (cause… well, yeah.) then did this mean X was that way? Zero had to turn him down, because that meant there was a chance!

… except X was dead.

Damn.

But the right thing to do was to turn him down _anyway_! "Sorry," Zero said. "That's just wrong. And I don't like sharing."

"E-even with y-yourself?"

"… Pardon me?"

Copy X sighed, straightening himself with obvious disappointment. "An-and here I thought y-you were as 'fr-freakish' as th-they say."

Zero was horrified. Who said such things about him? "Who said that!"

"And that y-you liked X."

"I do."

Copy X gave Zero a leer. "Th-then you want to sc-screw him."

Zero scowled. "There's more to it than that!"

"I lo-look just li-like him. Why do y-you refuse? D-do you not find X attra-attractive?"

The scowl got worse. "I do!"

"As does y-your other half," and now Zero was officially derailed and confused. "S-so why say n-no?"

Zero paused for a moment, then frowned some more. "Because I'm not in love with you."

And Copy X laughed, and it made his stutter that much worse. "Y-yo-you're a-a-a-as mu-much-ch-ch of a-a-a _p-pa-pat-pa-patsy _a-as I-I-I-I wa-wa-was-s-s to-told!"

"As much of a… oh."

And then Zero punched Copy X right in his cute little mouth.

Even _God_ went quiet after that.


	3. Zero Goes ARockin'

**Author's Note**: This story has reached a whole new low. Oh gawd, I need help. lol

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><p>Zero would admit there's a sort of satisfaction in killing his enemies. The whole fact they would never bother him (and the others, of course. Of course.) again and he could move on to more things to kill just had that feeling of almost peace. He was a combat model after, so was it so bad he got a bit of euphoria when he killed something? As Maverick as that sounded, he would admit it. Okay, maybe not in those words because then he'd get thrown out, but hey, he'd admit it in some fashion.<p>

But this feeling was beyond that. It was like his brain going off in fireworks that was both incredibly painful but so incredibly fucking _awesome_ he was almost instantly addicted. That sense of _Oh yeah, I beat YOUR ASS DOWN _was amazing. Like borderline orgasm amazing. Of which Zero wouldn't really know, because only God knows when he last got some.

God was still quiet though, so no snappy comeback.

But hey, back to the moment at hand. Because that feeling was gone in an instant, and Zero did the most retarded thing possible.

"Oh my _God_!" Zero cried (almost like a valley girl even. Damn you, Ciel.) "Are you okay?"

Copy X was sprawled on the floor, both hands clamped over his mouth as he stared at the floor with wide eyes. A little bit of blood came through his fingers, and at the way his eyes were shimmering, Zero actually seriously felt like an ass.

That feeling really intensified when he recalled how awesome it felt to _punch a kid in the face. _

"You…" Copy X muttered through his hands. Zero barely heard him (he really needed to clean his ear ports.) "Y-you… _punched _me!"

"That was totally an accident." Zero said, cringing. Because it was true—Zero didn't punch people, he _shanked _them. Punching, especially out of nowhere in the middle of a peaceful discussion, was just a dick move on his part.

At the very least Zero should have stabbed him. That'd be more in line with Reploid Conflict Etiquette.

And then Zero's feelings of being a jerkass soared beyond comprehension, because Copy X looked up at him and was _crying_. Zero had both the urge to rip his own hair out at his insensitivity (because Copy X looked like X. And X crying made _Satan _feel like shit.) and to drop next to Copy X and give him a big hug. And maybe an ice cream.

"Noooo…" Zero moaned softly, feeling incredibly helpless. One did not kill a sobbing X-clone. That was just _inhumane_. "No, don't cry. Stop, no… please, don't cry!"

Copy X wailed. It was so pathetic and pitiful, Zero was on the verge of crying himself. Good God today sucked! First the impossibility of having a peaceful morning, then his inability to quit thinking stupid shit, then the spike pit, and now he made a kid cry! Why couldn't today just be the normal _go here and kill shit _day?

Before Zero could let loose his own hopeless wails, the entire building began to shake incredibly violently. Although it didn't seem to bother Copy X, Zero froze in the middle of sinking to the floor, one eye squinting weirdly at the opposite wall. Surely those weren't massive footsteps he was hearing? Maybe Copy X's crying triggered some sort of security? That'd make a lot more—

_HOLY JESUSKABOB _the wall just exploded so randomly and violently, Zero screamed like a little girl. Dust and bits of debris rolled over the other two Reploids, and after his shriek ended (and awkwardly had a few seconds of silence afterwards; how embarrassing…) Zero heard Copy X make some weird happy sound. And then he heard the roar.

When the dust settled, the massive armor of freakin' doom that was Omega towered in the middle of the room, the wall he came in through all but gone. Zero randomly wondered if this base had insurance.

Copy X was somehow already perched on the giant armor's shoulder, one hand holding onto the helmet as the other pointed accusingly at Zero. Zero now saw he had badly split Copy X's lip.

"S-see what h-h-he did!" Copy X cried. "I ch-changed my mi-mind! I don't wan-wa-want him joining u-us!"

Joining them? Zero's eyes slowly ran from the bottom of the huge armor to the top of it. "_Omega _is your lover…?" Zero asked quietly.

Copy X huffed. "O-of course he i-is!"

Zero was old and a pervert. Immediately his mind attempted to picture tiny little Copy X and massive Omega getting it on.

Can't. Unsee.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaahhh…" Zero said slowly. "I… think I would have refused even without the accidental sucker punch."

Copy X took note of Zero's hesitate tone and the way his eyes were as wide as saucers in a terrified expression. "What the h-hell are you im-imagining?"

"Well, c'mon… you're small and cute, and he's… so… well. Not."

And then a laugh came from Copy X and Omega's direction, and it definitely wasn't Copy X. Zero squinted one eye again as he stared at the huge Reploid, wondering how the hell it could have a voice like that.

It was a rather sexy, evil laugh, but Zero really needed to focus.

And then his mind imploded, because Omega's chest suddenly split open. Instead of blood or mechanical parts raining out of it, a bit of steam wafted out, covering the hole. The armor relaxed, and Copy X clapped his hands in glee, split lip forgotten (and repaired thanks to advanced auto-repair. Somehow Zero still felt like an ass.) and something came through the steam.

"_What the shit_!" Zero cried, pointing at the figure emerging from the armor. "That's _my look _you poser!"

The normal-sized Reploid hopped down from the armor, standing to his full height and grinning. Zero's statement was somewhat true—the Omega that came out of the armor looked almost identical to Zero, the only differences was that his eyes were a demonic red color, his clothes a more blood-red, and his hair a few shades paler. Otherwise, he was Zero's twin, and it was weird, like looking into a mirror that didn't copy you correctly. Freaky weird.

"Actually," Omega said, his voice deeper (and sexier. Zero _simmered_ in jealousy) and a bit huskier. "It's _my_ look, and _you _are the poser."

Okay, that was a low blow. Zero was proud of his looks, and did not like the idea of being the one called the copy-cat. It was childish, but now his _pride _was on the line. "I call bullshit."

Omega shook his head slightly, his hair moving silkily at the movement (in a much more attractive way than Zero's. More jealousy.) and he chuckled again. "My poor little copy, so deluded. If you had said yes to Copy X, I wouldn't have to kill you."

And then Zero remembered Omega was Copy X's lover, and while he had to fight a grin (because c'mon, they looked like Zero and X, and that was appealing.) a much weirder thought came to mind. "Dude, we look like twins. Whoever is a copy of who that's like… masturbation."

"And?" Omega raised an eyebrow.

"And…" and Zero had nothing to say to that, because suddenly he felt guilty. Why did he feel guilty?

God was back! _Because you have no problems with that idea._

Okay, this was too weird. "I think I overstayed my visit," Zero said awkwardly. "So I'ma… go."

Omega fixated a look on Zero that made him freeze, although why he wasn't sure. It wasn't exactly a leer or a glare, a sort of in between, that was both creepy and kinda neat at the same time. Red eyes had some supernatural thing, Zero decided, because no way did normal colored eyes do such cool things.

"Think on the offer," Omega finally said. "I quite enjoy the idea and wouldn't mind at least _trying _it."

"What about him punching me!" Copy X cried from his perch on the armor.

"Sweetheart, he _killed _you before and you were still fine with the idea. I think a punch is forgivable."

"You're just a kinky freak!" Copy X wailed in a pouting tone.

Yeah. Zero definitely overstayed. So he left.

* * *

><p>Zero was reacting to this in a bad way. He knew it, X knew it, Ciel knew it, everyone knew it. When he returned and X happened to visit, Zero demanded to know the truth. And sadly, Omega was right; <em>Zero <em>was in a copy body.

After the initial disbelief and miniature break down ("Why, X! Why couldn't you make me as good looking as I originally was!" "_B-but Zero, that isn't important. _" "Still!") Zero had requested some time alone to fully digest this news.

Damn today sucked.

After about five minutes of getting himself to believe the truth (cause frankly, this was to be expected. Zero's life sucked, as emo as that sounded, so he wasn't really all that surprised) Zero found himself incredibly angry at Omega. No, not angry.

Really, really fucking _jealous_.

Sure, Zero's mind, heart and soul were still his own. He was still uniquely Zero despite the copy body. But Omega had all that power, all that _sexiness_ and obvious badass-ness that came with being a Zero _and_ a villain. A villain was _always _badass (well, good ones anyway. Lookin' at you, Wily.) and combined with Zero's natural badass-ness… that meant Omega was a God of Destruction too!

Jealousy wasn't green, it was red with bright blond hair. _Omega, God of Destruction. _One did _not_ get more _badass _than that.

And even worse than all of that? Yes, there was something worse, something that made Zero stare at his mirror with defeat and near tears in his eyes. Something worse that made him want to give up on the world, because it was so unfair. It made him want to be a teenage human, because then he could bitch and complain and not lose awesome points for it.

Omega _had his own X. _

Zero grumped at his reflection. That was the most unfair part. Apparently he had miles of confidence to Zero and got the second best prize in the whole freakin' world.

What if, when Zero turned him and Copy X down again… Omega tried for X? If he got Copy X so quickly, who knew how suave this guy was? And then the ass would have both first and second prizes, and Zero would be weeping in the corner like a loser.

But it wasn't like Zero could say yes. Cause then X would never forgive him. It was a frickin' lose-lose situation.

"Fuck me," Zero muttered at his reflection. This was such a crappy—

"With pleasure."

For the second (third. He won't admit the facefault in the base happened) time, Zero shrieked. He whirled around, seeing Omega perched on his now open window's sill, giving him that awkward look of _are you serious? _

That totally didn't happen. Zero refused to acknowledge it. "How'd you get here?" Zero hissed. Even crouching in the window Omega looked sexy and awesome. _How did he do it? _

"I'm here for your answer, but considering what you said, I suppose that's a yes." Omega grinned. Even _that _was…

Okay. Zero had to take a moment to stop. He was _far to o_fixated on Omega's inherent sexiness to be comfortable or healthy. And that didn't even include he was still considering taking their offer. For peace, of course. Of course. He'd use his new, uh, 'connection' to find Weil, kill the freak, and then safely get rid of Omega and Copy X. Sounded like a plan.

Except he'd be with Copy X when Omega wasn't around. That made Zero wonder, what if Copy X wasn't around? He briefly lingered on that thought. It was sort of hot.

Great. Now Zero was a homosexual pedophile _narcissistic _whore.

He couldn't get much worse than that, right?

"No!" Zero finally snapped back to reality, because Omega was suddenly not in the window anymore and uncomfortably close. YES, uncomfortably. Very. Maybe. Kinda.

"No!" Zero shoved him away. "No, that was _not _a yes, it's a figure of speech! What happened to giving me time!"

Omega's grin didn't change. And that was more creepy than sexy. "We're impatient, myself moreso."

"Fine, then my answer is no!" Zero could play this game. Keep Omega from X, get X for himself, he'd be equal to the ass in no time! And then he could kill him. Yessss, shanking.

Guttered. _So bad. _

DAMN IT.

"I don't take no for an answer."

"… what?"

Suddenly Zero was tackled to the floor, and he flailed in a panic. He punched, kicked, shoved, everything possible to get Omega off him. If this was a typical yaoi fanfic, naturally Omega would be able to deflect all of this and keep Zero pinned, proceeding to ravish him right there on the floor of his own room in the Resistance Base with no one hearing Zero's hollering.

For once, Zero was lucky. His palm smacked right into Omega's face, keeping him arm's length away. "_For the love of God, someone help me! _"

And the door bust down, for the cavalry had come! Ciel and a few soldiers flooded the room, all of them with guns. They pointed them at the pair on the floor and Omega looked at them—well, he did the best he could with Zero's hand pressing his face back.

Ciel and the soldiers froze and stared for a bit. The entire room went quiet and still as shock registered. Suddenly a clap rang out as Ciel put a hand to her nose, and Zero swore he saw a little trickle of blood.

"We thought you needed saving," Ciel said, looking around awkwardly. "So, uh, sorry. Excuse us."

Zero flailed. "I do need saving! Ciel! _Ciel_!"

One of the soldiers, a red-headed Reploid female, also pinched her own nose. "If I were you," she said, ever so bluntly. "I wouldn't want to be saved."

"That is kinda hot," Colbar, _what a creep_, said from the back of the group.

Zero wailed.


	4. Rockin' A Zero

Zero's dilemma is harrowing, for sure. To be pinned and threatened with hot ravishing by his own original body, his so-called 'friends' just standing by and content to watch, is sure to be tragic, sexy, and hilarious.

But let us move on, because we want to keep this rated M, not NC-18. As much as we all know a lot of you are pervs.

On the other side of the spectrum, although really it's not that far, Neo Arcadia is in an uproar. Harpuia, the most beloved general, had gone missing and the information was leaked thanks to come bitchy journalist who didn't know how to keep her trap shut. Said journalist now stood trial in the Black Water room, which was where Leviathan and her fellow water-based Judges made their trials. Fefnir happened to be there just because.

The Black Water room was a rather large square room, with a giant hole in the middle. Several hundred feet down, one could barely make out the flashes of light reflecting off the water in there, and only God knew what was in that blacky water. But he wasn't gonna share, so no one would ever know. Maybe Leviathan did, but she hated giving out secrets, so no luck there.

Leviathan paced in front of the journalist, halberd in one hand as the other held her chin pensively. She walked sort of odd, but everyone was kinda used to that, so really it wasn't odd to them. She glared at the floor when she went left, and glared at the journalist when she went right.

Finally she stopped and said, "We find you guilty."

"What!" The journalist (who, despite what you're thinking, _isn't_ Neige) cried. "We just got here!"

"Yeah, and as all these people in here hate you anyway, I'm gonna save some time and just say you're guilty." Leviathan shrugged.

"This is madness!"

And the entire room went still. It was like everyone stopped breathing, all eyes fixated on the judge and judged. Leviathan stared hard at the journalist, who apparently was completely oblivious to what she said.

And then the mad grin spread cross Leviathan's face.

"No…" she murmured, then her voice started to raise as she went on, "This. _Is. NEEE_—"

"Noooooo!" Fefnir suddenly screamed, shocking everyone and making Leviathan freeze from raising her foot to kick the journalist. "No, don't do it, Leviathan! We're above that!"

His sister gave him a look. "What are you talking about?"

Fefnir stepped forward, hands pressed together as if begging. It was a very scary sight indeed. "We're above these stupid memenic media situations! We can't sink down to the level of the mindless hoards that shriek that phrase or variants of it just for cheap giggles! We're Guardians, Levi, and we gotta make Master X and our missing brothers proud of it!"

The other judges glanced at each other, because as touching (not) as Fefnir's speech was, it was Fefnir. As in, Fighting Fefnir… y'know, the guy that preferred to shoot now and never ask questions? Yeah, it was kinda weird.

Leviathan lowered her leg. "You're right, Fefnir," she said calmly. "And it's so cliché. I shouldn't follow the crowd, I should _lead_ the crowd."

Fefnir beamed. "That's right."

Leviathan smiled pleasantly at the journalist. "Well, now that you witnessed that, you really do have to die."

The journalist was sweating so bad even the Reploids smelled it. Pretty gross. "That's crazy!"

"It's the way of _Neo Arcadia_!" and then Leviathan spun her halberd and slammed the butt of it into the journalist's stomach, shoving her down into the pit.

The ensuing scream was so pathetic, it doesn't deserve more than this sentence to describe it. The epic splash silencing it was a cool effect, though.

The journalist floundered in the water, and everyone peered down into it. After a few moments of frantic splashing, the journalist stopped and realizing nothing was happening. She looked up at everyone, head tilted and an unimpressed look on her face.

"What," she called. "gonna drown me or make me die of starvation?"

Leviathan giggled and yelled down, "The dolphins will wake up soon!"

"… dolphins?"

"Yup, all twenty! They're nice guys, _at first_."

The bloodcurdling scream after that? Yeah, that deserves a mention of being skin-crawlingly, distressingly despairingly awesome.

After that incident, Leviathan and Fefnir left the room to resume the search for their missing brother. Fefnir went racing off into the deserts like an idiot, while Leviathan, being smart and a female, decided it was a good idea to drop by Zero's and see if he knew anything. After all, they were sort of not enemies now, since the whole thing with Elpizo.

Leviathan had to stop and hide herself temporarily when she remembered that day. She was so consumed with her want to beat Zero, to prove she was stronger, that she let some pink clad _gay freak_ kill the one she thought of as her dad! The only one who even tried to stop him was Harpuia, but then again, Harpuia had some weird obsession with Master X, borderline creepy, but still! She was X's favorite and she let him down!

She had to go hide and curl up in a ball. She also needed to cry like a little girl for at least thirty minutes, as much as she hated knowing that's exactly what she was when it came to Master X's death. It wasn't fair. Why did a nice guy like X have to die such an undignified way? At least the fake Master X died in an epic showdown with Zero, even blew up the damn tower!

Okay, she needed to quit. She lost Master X and Phantom, she needed to find Harpuia. Thus resolved, Leviathan got up, adjusted her waist armor, wiped her eyes and resumed her trek.

* * *

><p>Zero managed to not get raped, much to your disappointment I'm sure.<p>

While Omega didn't understand the concept of consent (no, really, he didn't. After he got off Zero, they all attempted to explain it, but it went over Omega's head. It's almost a relief to know the guy was still blond. Hurr.) and would probably try again, Zero had succeeded this time in fending him off. Although it wasn't something he was proud of… especially with how they got Omega off in the first place.

"_It saved you, didn't it?_" X said as Zero stomped back and forth in his room. "_And don't be mad at me, a little extra energy was worth it!_"

Zero had to play along. While yes, X expending extra energy to blast Omega off of him (and flared his robe up. Ooooh yeah, such a cute butt. Too bad Omega stared too) what got Zero the most upset was the fact that this whole display probably made him look like an idiot to X. Two for the original, zero for the copy. Haha, zero for Zero.

Someone shoot him.

"It's risky," Zero said after stopping his pacing. He turned to X, playing the emotion card, which was always effective. "I'm worried for you, X! I already messed up before… if you faded because of me, I'd…"

Oh, _score_. X came right up to him and hugged him, although Zero barely felt it, it still made his heart flutter. "_I'm sorry, Zero._" X said apologetically. "_I just… no one seemed able to help you, and… and I couldn't let Omega hurt you! I…_" oh no, X turned on the puppy eyes.

Zero had to resist kissing him or breaking down and telling him then and there. Instead, he tried to give X a—manly!—return hug. "I'm not… that angry. I'm just worried, X. I don't wanna lose you."

"_You won't ever lose me, Zero,_" X said, complete with the charming smile. "_We'll always be together, like we promised._"

Whoa, wait. "What?"

X suddenly phased out of his arms and onto a chair on the other side of the room, now flustered. "_Oh! Nothing, just talking out loud._"

"No," Zero had to hear this story. Hope was flaring up in him, and it was a beautiful light. "Tell me—"

Except apparently God didn't like that hope, for he squashed it in the form of Zero's window shattering and himself being tackled to the ground by a blur of blue that wasn't nice, soft X. Sure, this thing had extra padding, but still…

"Zero!" Leviathan's voice screeched, and X immediately vanished to avoid being seen. He wasn't prepared to face the Guardians just yet… so he ditched his own best friend.

Damn it.

"_Get off me_!" Zero threw her off. Why the hell was her halberd poking him in the _stomach_? "What do you want!"

Leviathan was on her butt on the floor, sitting in such a little helpless school girl way that Zero almost felt bad for yelling. Except this was Leviathan. "I was just wondering something," She pouted. "Why are you so mean…?"

Zero huffed. "What were you wondering?"

"Have you seen Harpy?" Leviathan asked, her voice cute. "He went missing…"

"Oh," Zero jerked his thumb toward the door. "He's across the hall. He got his ass kicked by Omega and we've been repairing him."

"You saved Harpuia?" Leviathan asked, awed. Sure, he had sort of saved Leviathan and Fefnir way earlier, but, still. When Zero nodded, she launched off the floor and tackled him again cause she was so happy about her brother… annnnnd she liked hugging Zero. He _was_ pretty sexy.

Zero sighed deeply, and would have hugged her back if not for the weird poking. He pushed her aside and glared. "What is wrong with your halberd?"

Leviathan smirked, and it was scary. Very scary. "It's happy to see you?" she reached over her shoulder to tap the weapon, although her eyebrows wiggled at Zero.

Creepy. "You can go see Harpuia now." Zero awkwardly waved to the door.

She smirked more. "Why? We're alone now…" she started to advance on him.

Suddenly realizing what she was talking about, his eyes looking to her weapon, then down, then back at her face. Zero wailed.


End file.
